I just realized I had already written about hubby's SA meetings in a prior post--guess that's what happens when too much time passes between posts! Though I guess technically it was nearly 2 weeks ago and the good news (?) is that he is STILL going to meetings. This is the most he has ever committed to helping himself. I don't know whether to attach any meaning to that or not.
Therein lies another rub : in the land of porn addiction (I'm sure this must apply to any addiction), the word of the addict is meaningless. Worse than a politician.
Ok, I'm officially signing off for tonight as I am exhausted and I have to get up early in the morning.
So long!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
State of the Union
Hubby has been going to SA (sex addiction) meetings for about a month now. This is like 12-stepping for the porn-addicted crowd. He is enthusiastic about it, and I would like to be also, but a person can only be burned so many times before you let go of the flame. It is just another stage of the ongoing addiction cycle. This is the repentance stage. Repentance typically slips into the addictive behavior again; sometimes sooner/sometimes later. Continued addictive behavior results in hubby becoming moody and agitated because he is feeling guilty and having to hide things from me. Addictive behavior eventually results in getting CAUGHT, which then leads to anger and hubby lashing out at me/blaming me/denial. Once he calms down, we are right back to Repentance. The only good thing about this stage is that at least he is mostly nice to me and the kids and he is trying to be helpful around the house and trying to be considerate of me and the kids. The bad part is knowing that it will eventually die off and Asshole Man will take over again. Ugh.
This is where faith kicks in. For me, the faith of choice is Buddhism. A main teaching of Buddhism is that of acceptance of what is and the practice of finding joy in any circumstance. So I am focusing my energy on finding joy and letting go of the negative things: anger, hurt feelings, disappointment that my life is not the way I want it, my marriage is not what I thought it would be, my future is uncertain. Joy is abundant in the life of my three beautiful daughters, my friends, my job, the warm winter we are having here this year, my cats, bountiful holiday dining, the Democrats kicking Republican butt, you name it.
That's it for tonight. Hopefully next time I want to write it won't take me so much time to log on and I can get straight to the business of blogging.
Namaste!
This is where faith kicks in. For me, the faith of choice is Buddhism. A main teaching of Buddhism is that of acceptance of what is and the practice of finding joy in any circumstance. So I am focusing my energy on finding joy and letting go of the negative things: anger, hurt feelings, disappointment that my life is not the way I want it, my marriage is not what I thought it would be, my future is uncertain. Joy is abundant in the life of my three beautiful daughters, my friends, my job, the warm winter we are having here this year, my cats, bountiful holiday dining, the Democrats kicking Republican butt, you name it.
That's it for tonight. Hopefully next time I want to write it won't take me so much time to log on and I can get straight to the business of blogging.
Namaste!
Tired
Well, I was all ready to post something useful tonight but I couldn't get logged onto my account. I don't know what happened. I spent a good 30-45 minutes trying to get logged on in Internet Explorer, but nothing would work. It kept telling me my account doesn't exist. It would not send my password to me. WTF??? It occurred to me to try using the Firefox browser...and holy shit! It works! Makes ya wonder.
I did discover, in the process of trying to find my blog, that apparently I am not alone in the land of blogging, as thousands of people appear to be grappling with porn addiction either personally or via a spouse /relative. How sad.
I did want to share a moving moment that occurred yesterday; it has nothing to do with porn addiction, but it's all about inspiration. Come to think of it, this is an important lesson because there is MORE to life than porn addiction. Porn addiction is just an ugly undercurrent, but it is not THE river or the ocean.
Anyway, a friend of my oldest daughter (age 14) passed away this week in a tragic car accident while on a school field trip. This evening as she and I were preparing to attend the funeral, my husband arrived home from shopping and ran into the house, breathless and excited about a bunch of rainbows he had seen while driving home. We all ran outside and saw the biggest, most beautiful rainbow spread out from one end of the sky to the other, seemingly right over our neighborhood (Derrick, the boy who died, lived 2 streets down from us). My daughter took some photos of the rainbow and I told her I hoped that his parents had seen it, because I felt like it was some kind of message for them on this sad day.
When we arrived at the funeral home, I was surprised to see a photo posted in front of the boy's casket, mounted on an easel. It was an enlarged photo of him standing facing a large rainbow. His mom explained that the photo was taken when he was younger, while on a visit with his grandma. I was shocked enough to see the rainbow photo, after the rainbow we had seen at the house, but it gets even better.
At the end of the service, Derrick's grandma got up to speak. She told the crowd that this morning she had gotten up before anyone else and written a letter to Derrick. In the letter she had asked him to show her a rainbow, as a sign that he was ok. And I am here today to tell you, the whole city was covered in rainbows this afternoon. I think Derrick must be ok! :O)
Check out what I like to call "Derrick's Rainbow":
and Derrick Carlson, June 10, 1992 - December 18, 2006:
I did discover, in the process of trying to find my blog, that apparently I am not alone in the land of blogging, as thousands of people appear to be grappling with porn addiction either personally or via a spouse /relative. How sad.
I did want to share a moving moment that occurred yesterday; it has nothing to do with porn addiction, but it's all about inspiration. Come to think of it, this is an important lesson because there is MORE to life than porn addiction. Porn addiction is just an ugly undercurrent, but it is not THE river or the ocean.
Anyway, a friend of my oldest daughter (age 14) passed away this week in a tragic car accident while on a school field trip. This evening as she and I were preparing to attend the funeral, my husband arrived home from shopping and ran into the house, breathless and excited about a bunch of rainbows he had seen while driving home. We all ran outside and saw the biggest, most beautiful rainbow spread out from one end of the sky to the other, seemingly right over our neighborhood (Derrick, the boy who died, lived 2 streets down from us). My daughter took some photos of the rainbow and I told her I hoped that his parents had seen it, because I felt like it was some kind of message for them on this sad day.
When we arrived at the funeral home, I was surprised to see a photo posted in front of the boy's casket, mounted on an easel. It was an enlarged photo of him standing facing a large rainbow. His mom explained that the photo was taken when he was younger, while on a visit with his grandma. I was shocked enough to see the rainbow photo, after the rainbow we had seen at the house, but it gets even better.
At the end of the service, Derrick's grandma got up to speak. She told the crowd that this morning she had gotten up before anyone else and written a letter to Derrick. In the letter she had asked him to show her a rainbow, as a sign that he was ok. And I am here today to tell you, the whole city was covered in rainbows this afternoon. I think Derrick must be ok! :O)
Check out what I like to call "Derrick's Rainbow":
and Derrick Carlson, June 10, 1992 - December 18, 2006:
Thursday, December 14, 2006
current status
I apologize for not writing anything in awhile. I always seem to get sidetracked and I figured no one is reading this anyway, so why bother. BUT, I noticed last night that people are actually looking at this so maybe I should put some effort into it.
A lot has been going on with my hubby's porn situation lately. Well, a lot and then nothing, depending on how you look at it. He is finally going to SA meetings all on his own, which is a first. He claims to be benefitting from going. Of course, for all I know, he goes God-knows-where instead of going to a meeting on Saturdays, but you never know. He just got busted again last month, so he is in his remorse mode right now. Feeling sorry for hurting me again, feeling bad for getting caught, feeling bad for lying again, blah blah blah. It is kind of nice, but I realized it is just a stage he goes through. After awhile you start to see the patterns in an addict's behavior. He will be thoughtful and kind and introspective and trying to get help for awhile...until it becomes too difficult or too frustrating in any way. Then we are back on the roller coaster again.
But for now, he is going to meetings, reading books ("Pornified"--one of my favorites on the subject). No word yet as to whether he truly comprehends ANY of it.
That's it for now. Hopefully I can write more soon...
A lot has been going on with my hubby's porn situation lately. Well, a lot and then nothing, depending on how you look at it. He is finally going to SA meetings all on his own, which is a first. He claims to be benefitting from going. Of course, for all I know, he goes God-knows-where instead of going to a meeting on Saturdays, but you never know. He just got busted again last month, so he is in his remorse mode right now. Feeling sorry for hurting me again, feeling bad for getting caught, feeling bad for lying again, blah blah blah. It is kind of nice, but I realized it is just a stage he goes through. After awhile you start to see the patterns in an addict's behavior. He will be thoughtful and kind and introspective and trying to get help for awhile...until it becomes too difficult or too frustrating in any way. Then we are back on the roller coaster again.
But for now, he is going to meetings, reading books ("Pornified"--one of my favorites on the subject). No word yet as to whether he truly comprehends ANY of it.
That's it for now. Hopefully I can write more soon...
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