Judgment

This came from the page of an amazing musician on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/parijatmusic
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This story happened in the days of Lao Tzu in China, and Lao Tzu loved it very much:

There was an old man in a village, very poor, but even kings were jealous of him because he had a beautiful white horse...
Kings offered fabulous prices for the white horse, but the man would say, "This horse is not a horse to me, he is a person. And how can you sell a person, a friend?". The man was poor, but he never sold the horse.

One morning, he found that the horse was not in the stable.
The whole village gathered and they said, "You foolish old man! We knew that someday the horse would be stolen. It would have been better to sell it. What a misfortune!"
The old man said, "Don't go so far as to say that. Simply say that the horse is not in the stable. This is the fact, everything else is a judgment. Whether it is a misfortune or a blessing I don't know, because this is just a fragment. Who knows what is going to follow it?"

People laughed at the old man. They had always known that he was a little crazy.
But after fifteen days, suddenly one night the horse returned. He had not been stolen, he had escaped into the wild. And not only that, he brought a dozen wild horses with him.
Again the people gathered and they said, "Old man, you were right. This was not a misfortune, it has indeed proved to be a blessing."
The old man said, "Again you are going too far. Just say that the horse is back...who knows whether it is a blessing or not? It is only a fragment. Your read a single word in a sentence - how can you judge the whole book?"
This time the people couldn't say much, but inside they knew that he was wrong. Twelve beautiful horses had come...

The old man had an only son who started to train the wild horses. Just a week after he fell from a horse and his legs were broken. The people gathered again and again they judged.
They said, "Again you proved right! It was a misfortune. Your only son has lost the use of his legs, and in your old age he was your only support. Now you are poorer than ever."
The old man said, "You are obsessed with judgment. Don't go that far. Say only that my son has broken his legs. Nobody knows whether this is a misfortune or a blessing. Life comes in fragments and more is never given to you."

It happened that after three weeks the country went to war, and all the young men of the town were forcibly taken for the military. Only the old man's son was left, because he was crippled.
The whole town was crying and weeping, because it was a losing fight and they knew most of the young people would never come back.
They came to the old man and they said, "You were right, old man - this has proved a blessing. Maybe your son is crippled, but he is still with you. Our sons are gone forever."
The old man said again, "You go on and on judging. Nobody knows! Only say this, that your sons have been forced to enter into the army and that my son has not been forced. But only God, the total, knows whether it is a blessing or a misfortune."

Judge ye not, otherwise you will never become one with the total.
With fragments you will be obsessed, with small things you will jump to conclusions.
Once you judge you have stopped growing. Judgment means a stale state of mind. And mind always wants judgment, because to be in process is always hazardous and uncomfortable.
In fact, the journey never ends. One path ends, another begins; one door closes, another opens.
You reach a peak; a higher peak is always there. God is an endless journey. Only those who are so courageous that they don't bother about the goal but are content with the journey, content just to live the moment and grow into it, only those are able to walk with the total.

25 Thinking Errors for Addicts

I don't remember where I originally saw this, but it hits the proverbial nail right on the head!

1. Excuses This thinking error allows the addict to have a reason for everything and anything. Whenever the addict is held accountable for actions, excuses are automatically given. The addict has a reason for everything and the addict will carefully concentrate on the reason, or the excuse, something has happened, rather than accepting responsibility for what has happened.
Example: "I had a bad childhood."
"My was an alcoholic."
"My family is/was poor."
"My sex drive is higher than normal."

2. Blaming The addict, who is using the thinking error of blaming, can find an excuse to not solve a problem. When the addict blames others, the addict is no longer responsible. Blaming can also be used to build up resentment toward someone else for "causing" whatever has happened. Through the blaming technique, the addict can be angry at, or have his/her family angry at "someone else", rather than the addict.

Examples: "My spouse hates sex."
"My wife's girlfriend is so hot. She's the one who came on to me."
"The trouble with you is that you are always looking at me in a critical way."

3. Pity Pot Addicts do not like to feel as though they are wrong. Addicts will feel better, if they can get others to feel sorry for them. The "pity pot" is when the addict says things or does things in order to get others to feel sorry for him/her.
Examples: "My wife probably won't stick this out with me, so why should I stay sober?"
"Why should I ask questions? My questions are never right."
"I have had to struggle all my life."

4. Justifying Justifying is very much like blaming or excuse making, in that when the addict justifies, the addict has found a way of explaining the reason for things. When the addict justifies, he/she always finds reasons for why things are the way they are. The addict does not want to recognize that things are the way they are because of the addict, so he/she finds ways to explain things.

Examples:
"She really needed the money, so I paid her for sex."
"He was unhappy in his marriage too."
"My wife wouldn't have sex with me, what's a man to do?"

5. Redefining The process of redefining is shifting the focus of an issue to avoid solving the problem. Redefining is also used as a power play to get the focus away from the addict. Redefining allows the addict to avoid looking at the real issue.

Examples: Q: "Why didn't you do your 12-step work for this week?" A: "I've done my work for the last three weeks."
Q: "Do you have your money saved for your therapist?" A: "I'm very concerned about the professionalism of my therapist."

6. Pet Me The addict is usually very selfish and only thinks of his/her needs. When the addict comes into therapy, he/she often needs to set up other people so that his/her needs are constantly being met. The addict will want to do things so that he/she receives "pats on the head." The addict wants to be noticed, cuddled, and certainly wants to avoid feeling badly. Examples of this kind of behavior are when the addict purposely acts in ways so that others will notice or applaud. If the addicts are to hand in written assignments to the secretary, the addict who is using the "pet me" thinking error, will want to hand in the assignment personally to the therapist. Another example of the "pet me" thinking error is when the addict completes assignments for the purpose of gaining approval from the therapist rather than for the purpose of learning or changing behavior.

7. Lying Lying is one of the most common thinking errors used by addicts. Lying is done in many different ways. Lying is used to confuse, distort, or make fools of other people. There are three kinds of lies: Making up things that are simply not true, partial truth where certain parts of the truth are left out, and Behavior or acts that are not accurate or that suggests something that is not true.

Examples:
1. Making up things that are simply not true. This kind of lie is simple and clear. The addict simply says things that are not true and that have not happened.
2. The second kind of lie is when the addict states things that are partly true, but the addict carefully leaves out certain things. The addict is not being truthful by leaving out things, but what the addict is actually saying is true.
3. The third kind of lie is when the addict behaves or acts in a way that is not accurate or that suggests something that is not true. The addict may show support for someone else, when, in fact, the addict is actually being critical of the person. By showing support for the person, the addict may encourage the person to make a mistake, which, in turn, makes the addict look better. It is not so much that the addict is saying things that are not true, but the addict is behaving in a way that will be misinterpreted by others. An example of this kind of lie would occur when a group member makes a statement that is foolish or incorrect and another addict, who is using this technique, will give the group member positive feedback or show the group member support. The group member is who is making a mistake will make even greater mistakes because of the support of the addict who is using this technique of lying. The addict is lying by supporting an incorrect behavior.

8. Uniqueness This thinking error allows the addict to believe that he/she is so special that the therapy or contract rules are for others. This thinking error allows the addict to make himself/herself different from all of the other addicts. The addict uses this thinking error to say "I am worse than the other addicts, therefore, I am not like everyone else," or "I am better than the other addicts and, therefore, the rules do not apply in the same manner to me." This thinking error will be observed in therapy when addicts do not listen to what other addicts are saying and only participate in group when therapists are speaking directly to them. While other addicts are talking, the addict using this thinking error will appear to be bored or will daydream. When assignments are given, the addict will need direct instructions, rather than recognizing himself/herself as being part of the group. The addict is saying, "I'm different, I need special attention."

9. Making Fools Of This technique allows the addict to make fools of other people. The addict feels power and control when other people are depending on him/her. If the addict can keep everyone else waiting, hoping, and wondering, the addict will be in a powerful position. As the addict sees other people depending on him/her, the addict will abuse others by failing, so that other people look like fools for counting on the addict. The best example of this kind of thinking process is when the addict receives a compliment for work completed in therapy. As soon as the therapist indicates the addict has succeeded, the addict can make the therapist seem foolish by failing at the next assignment. This is very tempting for addicts to do and is often more rewarding than actually making progress in therapy.

10. Assuming Addicts spend time believing or thinking that they are so powerful, they know how others think and feel. Addicts typically do not check the facts and do not actually care what other people think and feel. The addict assumes what others are thinking and feeling because the addict is arrogant and believes himself/herself to b e that powerful. The addict actually does not conceive of other individuals having unique thoughts, feelings, and attitudes.

Examples: "I didn't go to the meeting because I knew it would be all right since it was raining." "Well, she was wearing a skimpy shirt and tight shorts, so I just knew she wanted to have sex with me."

11. Fact Stacking The addict uses the technique of fact stacking so that even though the addict is telling the truth, the way in which the facts are explained helps the addict feel powerful, comfortable and certainly not like an addict. The addict arranges the facts for his/her benefit.

Examples: Fact: "The babysitter asked for more money." Additional facts omitted by the addict. The addict gave the babysitter money only if she/he would give sexual favors.

12. Phoniness This thinking error occurs when the addict pretends or projects himself/herself as being cooperative and helpful while, in fact, a great deal of manipulation is taking place. The addict always thinks of himself/herself first. When the addict is being phony by being nice to others, there is always something that will be owed back to the addict. The addict will pretend or cooperate to be helpful and, at the same time, the addict is saying to himself/herself "since I am nice, you must be nice to me."

13. Minimizing Minimizing is a common technique used by addicts to allow them to believe that what they have done is not really important. The addict will look at reality and find one aspect of it to minimize. Therefore, he/she can minimize the entire act. When the addict minimizes, their actions become unimportant, insignificant, and not really as bad.

Examples: "At least I didn't penetrate."
"We didn't have sex, we only talked."
"I only slept with him once."

14. Vagueness Vagueness is a clear and intentioned action to avoid being pinned down. If the addict is vague and unclear, then the reality of his/her actions can never be examined. In vagueness, the addict will fail in assignments, will only hear what he/she wants to hear, and the addict will seem to be "stumbling innocently" in therapy. If the addict can be vague and unsure, the addict will not have to work or look at the reality of his/her crime.

15. Anger Addicts can use anger to manipulate and control others. If the addict is confronted with a behavior that is inappropriate, outrage and anger can cause all the attention to be given to the anger, rather than to criticism toward the addict. When the addict demonstrates tantrums, aggression, and outrage, he/she gains the center stage and everyone tends to focus on the anger, rather than on the addict.

16. Secretiveness The addict uses a veil of secrecy to avoid looking at the reality of the situation. The addict may talk about the importance of confidentiality and use that issue to prevent himself/herself from establishing an honest relationship in therapy. The addict may maintain a status of secrecy under the pretense that confidentiality is more important than openness and honesty. The addict may do everything he/she can to avoid giving others information about the addict's past. If the addict keeps secrets, and others want the addict to give up secrets, the addict has power and control.

17. Keeping Score Often, the addict will be angry and hostile internally and rather than working on these feelings, the addict will choose to keep track of mistakes others make rather than express anger in a healthy way. If the addict is criticized, the addict will avoid looking at the criticism and instead, will attempt to keep track of the criticisms other addicts are receiving. The addict will computerize and calculate to find out if he/she is receiving more criticisms than other addicts. The addict will become very "busy" with this KEEPING SCORE technique and because the addict is involved with this process, the addict will avoid doing work.
18. Grandiosity Addicts use grandiosity to make little things turn into very important things. As the addict makes a very big deal out of something, the issues that were more important, become less important. The addict will not only focus his/her attention to something insignificant, but can often get others to focus their attention away from the reality of the addict's actions and onto something insignificant. This technique often is called "setting brush fires" as the addict would like to focus attention in a very dramatic and grandiose manner away from the reality of the addict's situation. In a very controlled, dramatic and grand manner, the addict will set little brush fires of controversy and inquiry toward things that are insignificant and the most significant things will be discounted or left without examination.

19. Victim Status The addict will often want to present himself/herself as a victim in order to manipulate and control others. This is a form of passive- aggressive behavior and it is often exerted toward people who care about the addict. If the addict can become a victim of others, then usually those who are close to the addict will rush to his/her rescue and the crime committed by the addict will be overlooked. In using the technique of VICTIM STATUS, the addict may develop problems such as illness or depression, the addict may appear to be financially devastated or the addict may want to talk about his/her abuse as a child. If the addict can become a victim, then the addict does not have to recognize himself/herself as a addict.

20. Let's Fight The addict is a person who often uses the technique of getting others to fight while he/she can stand back and be an innocent bystander. As the addict manipulates and controls others into becoming aggressive and hostile toward each other, the addict can become a shining example of maturity. The addict will often provide information that will be upsetting to some people so that others will "fight". The addict may then enter into the conflict and set up the conflict so that other people look like fools in their hysteria and their "fighting", then the addict may resolve the conflict and appear to be in control and powerful. This is especially true when addicts attempt to cause conflict between therapists or between the addict's family and the therapist. If "others" fight, the addict is innocent.

21. Puzzlement The addict will often present himself/herself as puzzled and confused about the reality of the situation. The addict will present genuine concern about issues, but by feigning confusion, others around him/her will take it upon themselves to figure out the confusion. The addict will appear to be cooperative and will appear to be attempting to follow the rules and comply with therapy. In reality, the addict is simply presenting the puzzle to others and standing back while other people try to help him/her figure out the puzzle. Addicts in understanding the guidelines of therapy especially use this technique. If the addict can remain puzzled and confused, the addict will not have to follow the rules and will actually control others as they put forth hours and hours of effort to help the addict understand.

22. Helpless This thinking error occurs when addicts present themselves as being helpless, incapable and in need of others. The addict will enjoy talking about his/her inability to write, inability to concentrate, inability to understand the rules and, in general, present himself/herself as a person "needing help." The addict will always ask to have assignments repeated, the addict will appear to be confused, and the addict will enjoy talking about depression, sickness, frustration and problems. As the addict is helpless, others will be called upon to "help" the addict. This is simply another way that the addict can be in control of others. Additionally, if the addict is helpless, the addict is incapable of accepting responsibility for his/her actions.

23. You're OK, I'm OK Addicts often use the technique of being extremely positive in order to avoid looking at reality of the crime that has been committed. The addict will often work hard at being cooperative, helpful and supportive of others. Rather than thinking about the crime and the damage that has been caused to a victim, the addict will put forth effort into thinking positive in a generic way. The addict may be the person in group who wishes to give compliments and who will be constantly humorous. The addict may want to initiate activities or assignments that will make others feel better. In actuality, the addict does not care to have an "air" of happiness or positiveness in the group, but he/she carries on in this manner so that the negative aspects of the crime that has been committed will be avoided. By using this technique, the addict wants everything to be positive so that the addict, in turn, is positive and acceptable. Most people desire positive attitudes and because of this tendency, the addict will usually find it easy to control others. If the addict can manipulate others into thinking in positive terms, the addict has control and the addict will not have to look at the reality of the crime that has been committed.

24. My Way Addicts tend to have great needs for power. Addicts also do not want to be under the control or power of someone else. Addicts tend to want things to be done on their terms and under their conditions. When this thinking error is used, addicts will appear not to listen to what question is being asked and will simply, when called upon, answer the question that they wanted to answer. If a certain rule has been established, such as "doorknob therapy", the addict will continue to wish to discuss issues after group. The addict may appear to be intellectually incompetent since he/she cannot follow directions and does not appear to be hearing what has been assigned. In actuality, the addict is simply saying, "I will do it my way" regardless of, rules, regulations and guidelines.

25. The Hop Overs Addicts use the thinking errors of The Hop Overs as they learn the technique of diverting the conversation to something more comfortable. If the addict is asked about one issue, he/she may "HOP OVER" to another issue or an issue that is related, but not exactly what pertained to the question.

Examples: Q: "Why didn't you complete your 12-step assignment?"
A: "Are you aware that there are some individuals who believe recovery is possible without the 12-steps?"

The addict, by hopping over the real question, often can have control over others if others respond to the question the addict asked. "HOP OVERS" allow the addict the technique of keeping everyone else moving about, answering questions while the addict avoids dealing with the crime that has been committed.

Breakthrough?

I have been reading a book this week, "The Betrayal Bonds," by Patrick Carnes. (Carnes is a leading author on porn and sex addiction, for those unaware.) The book has been immensely eye-opening, as there were so many qualities in myself that I recognized in the book. There are several exercises in the book, of which I completed two. What has bothered me since beginning the book is that when I look back on life and my relationships, the overriding theme is one of loneliness and wanting so much to be loved by someone. I couldn't stop thinking about this, wondering what in the hell in my young life was so traumatic that it created this need in me, this crippling need that has wreaked so much havoc on my romantic life. I went back in my mind as far as I can remember, searching for clues, trying to figure out where it started, and all I came to was that as far back as I could remember, I was boy crazy and pining for some male or another in my life.

Last night I read through old journal entries from right before and right after I graduated from college, starting just 2 years before and ending 1 month before I met my current husband. It was a time of major turmoil for me, including but not limited to a car accident, financial devastation, moving twice, bad boyfriends, contact with a high school sweetheart that ended in him marrying another woman, a horrible job, changing jobs, antidepressants, and ongoing tension with my parents. I haven't slept for at least 2 nights mulling all of this over and I decided last night at roughly 3 a.m. that I was going to sit down and start writing my life's story and write until I could figure out what the hell my damage is. So tonight at work, when all my work was done and I had some time to kill, I started to write, beginning with my birth and my earliest memories. I wrote my first memories as a child, as young as 3 or 4. I got maybe 2 pages into it and I was hit by the most horrifying thought. You see, I had always known my adolescent years were traumatic and hellish but I always attributed the fact that I didn't actually kill myself or turn to drugs and alcohol because I had this wonderful childhood prior to reaching adolescence that had given me this great foundation to hold onto.

But what I realized tonight as I wrote was that I may have completely fabricated this idyllic childhood in my head. Because what it was REALLY characterized by was fear and trying to please my parents and repression of "unacceptable" feelings. Fear of my mother yelling at me, smacking me with her blue hairbrush or a wire hanger or a special wooden paddle she made with stickers with my name on them all over it. I was not supposed to cry or be afraid or be angry; I have many vivid memories and stories of that. I don't think I have ever cried in front of my parents in my whole teen-aged or adult life until about a month ago when I talked to them on the phone and their cruel words broke me down finally. I always cried quietly, alone, in my room or outdoors in the mountains.

For all the times I have broken down in my life, for all the nights I spent during and after each bad relationship, each divorce, each disapointment, my parents never saw it. My mother commented recently that I never seem very upset about anything...but those who know me as friends or coworkers know that I have many emotions and get upset about many things, all the time. But I have never been able to be my authentic self to my parents.

I am still having a hard time processing this possibility. It seems so outlandish, yet how can I deny it? My earliest dream that I can remember, one that persists to this day, is of a crashing jet plane. I can see a plane in the sky, see it coming down, and it is almost always right over my home (if not over my person) and I am scared shitless. Sometimes, multiple planes crash. I spend the dream being mortified at seeing all the people dying, running from the place where I think the plane is about to crash, trying to put out the fires that ensue or trying to rescue the dying pilot from the crushed cockpit. I have had this dream over and over and over again, since childhood. I remember VIVIDLY that I didn't have a clue what the dream really meant until one time, after leaving my second husband, I had a dream that I was actually ON the plane when it started to crash, and I was somehow able to land it safely. I remember waking up and thinking, wow! I had CONTROL! The dreams are about feeling helpless, having no control! They are definitely that. But they are also about FEAR. Fear of random falling jets threatening my home, my physical well-being, my possessions. Only in my waking life, it is not jets that come after me, it is my mother or both of my parents; it is wicked bosses, two-faced "friends", lying boyfriends and husbands. They are all AFTER me and I am running. FUCK!

I am not quite sure how any of this helps my current situation, other than maybe now that I know why I was so needy in the past, and why I settled for such obviously unworthy partners, MAYBE now that I have moved it up into my consciousness, I can move past it; let it go. I wish that I could go back in time and give that little girl that I used to be a great big hug and tell her she is AWESOME no matter what, whether she cries or gets a bad grade, or forgets to pick up her toys, or anything at all. It makes me so sad...

Damsel in Distress

A poem I wrote September 6, 1997...ten years ago almost exactly, and as pertinent ever. (All of this is part of my ongoing reflection on what personal issues have brought me to have a relationship with a porn addict to begin with). Ugh.

damsel in distress

I am the girl in the lonely tower
pleading
rescue me, carry me away
from here

At last he comes to take me down
away from this evil place
into his hungry love dungeon
chaining me within my pain
not the kind of rescue I envisioned
all those crazy nights

I am captured by the towerkeeper
lord of all isolation
he chastises me and locks me high up
all I can do is peer out through
my tiny window and hope
my next knight has a better dungeon
than the last

Da Nile

Man, it's a sad, sad river to be on! Hubby talked to his dad last week for an hour on the phone. He got mad at me when he told me it was a nice conversation and I rolled my eyes. I'm sorry, but hubby's dad is not only a total asshole but his mental pathologies are so deep and so numerous that I, being but an amateur, would not even want to attempt to unravel it all. On most days hubby is in complete agreement with me, but apparently...he is back on the river again.

Well, fine with me. Far be it for me to try talking sense back into him. It never worked before, it won't work now. I am only kidding myself to try, that much I have learned. Go ahead and believe your dad is freaking GANDHI for all I care. You can pretend my mom is Mother Teresa, while you're at it. Don't forget to throw in a nice Jesus Complex for yourself!

My oldest daughter apparently floats the same river now. She is trying to tell me some bullshit story that my ex told her involving some convoluted story that I allegedly told him when I left him in 1994 and moved out of state with our daughter. I don't know if he actually told her the story, or if she is just making it up to irritate me. (She lies like that, unfortunately. Damn teenagers!) Either way, it is ridiculous. I am tempted to tell her, if you believe that I would do that, and you think your father is telling the truth (Gandhi, anyone?), then go live with him, go find your bliss.

You know, it is apparently not enough to feed, clothe, shelter and love children any more. You are expected in this day and age to cater to some bizarre, culturally insinuated entitlement slash self-esteem program that they have imagined up. Everything I have ever done for my daughter is now come to naught because she is expected to participate in the family by helping with chores and other duties and (gasp!) she is probably NOT going to get a car when she turns 16. Not only that, but I don't want her to get a job just so she can suck MORE at school and complain more about work at home being too much and buy more useless crap with her new paycheck. I am an evil, unloving, horrible mother.

As far as I'm concerned, my teenager and my husband can have their littly pity party together and leave me OUT. Whine, whine, whine, life is so unfair, whine, whine. Give me a break.

Speaking of whiners, I have been watching The War on PBS off and on this past week, and it has really made me stop and think. Mostly what I think when I watch it is that most of this country (unless you're a minority or non-minority poor person) has no clue what it really means to suffer. Yes, we all suffer our slights and trials and that is life. But the petty little things we "suffer" are mostly just a luxury we can afford because all our basic needs are taken care of so therefore all the other stupid things are allowed to become magnified in significance. True suffering is being a soldier in wartime, or being the soldier's widow or grieving family back home. True suffering is being in a concentration camp or being nuked one day just because your country is fighting for some idealogical b.s. that you may not even understand or care about. True suffering is the people in this country who get up and go to work every day just like we do, the same hours or maybe more, and yet still can barely afford basic necessities and probably have no health insurance.

I am so tired of having the whiny suffering of porn addiction on my shoulders. All addiction is just whiny to me now. Yes, I sympathize with all those people who had miserable, abusive, degrading childhoods and now feel they must self-medicate with whatever poison or pastime of choice. But I doubt they are even remotely appreciative of the fact that they live in a time and a place where they have the luxury of whining about their psychological grievances and taking up a (usually costly and always damaging) habit to absorb themselves in. Good riddance to this.
Oh, all the poor, miserable movie stars and rock stars and politicians and doctors and regular people in this country addicted to this, that or the other... You have no idea how lucky you are just to be alive. You squander it all away in self-destructive pursuits and at the end of the day you are just a waste of air.

I can only hope that despite all the negative cultural baggage, I have been able to plant a small seed somewhere in my daughter that will remind her someday that being alive doesn't entitle one to anything or anyone. Living is a choice she will make every day, all day long. She can squander it on whining for petty garbage or she can get her priorities straight and be happy with whatever life gives her.

Gaslighting

OMG--this is my life!

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception.
A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc., such as was used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Holy shit, that explains my anxiety attacks for the past two years! I feel so much better now. I don't know why I never saw this before, in all the stuff I have read. My God, my hubby is the Master Gaslighter! WOW!

Choosing a Different Path

I can't remember where I found this originally--I want to say someone posted it to a group I belong to on Yahoo for partners of SA's, but I'm not 100% sure. In any case, I came across it today and decided to post it. It's a great poem!

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

*Note: I just looked up the poem on Google and it has been attributed to Portia Nelson. The original title was, "There's a hole in my sidewalk."

SA 12-Step Group

I was just reading back to some of my earlier posts from last Fall, where I was talking about hubby finally going to SA meetings and how I predicted they would not last. Well, lo and behold it did not last more than a few months! LOL! I noticed there was one post where I wrote that he said the group was helping him, which is cracking me up because now he says the group is useless ( I won't get into all his excuses/they don't matter anyway). I think I am going to work on keeping up this blog better. It will help me keep track of his lies and remind me why I need to get out of this situation whenever I am thinking it is no big deal and I can stick it out for longer. Ugh.

He was in sucking up mode 2 weeks ago until a coworker died suddenly in a car accident and he crashed and burned into full on Asshole Addict mode and has continued ever since. Lately he aims his agitation at my teen-age daughter, probably because he knows I just won't let him get away with it any more. He hurls F-words at her like nobody's business. Remind me again why I think this is good for my 4 yr. old and 1 yr. old????

On describing myself (reference 7/17/07 post)

I keep coming back to that dreaded "describe yourself" question from my therapist last month...it occurred to me what Buddha might say about describing myself. I'm going to take a stab at it:

Buddha would say that my "self" is just an illusion that I create. It is intangible, everchanging and ultimately undescribable.

HA! Take THAT Therapist Man!

And though I doubt that is the answer he was looking for, it is probably as true of an answer as there could ever be.

Mixed Emotions

My heart is heavy tonight. Today I made contact with my first true love via myspace. It was so, so, so long ago--we dated the summer before my junior year in high school. But he had such an impact on me. It was wonderful to chat with him, see a pic of his kids (his son looks just like him!), and I got that triumphant moment of glory every person hopes for sometime in life following a devastating break-up: he told me he regretted breaking up with me and how much he had enjoyed the time we spent together, though it was only a few months time over 20 years ago. But now, I am bummed. His marriage is falling apart, as is mine, and I feel sorry for us both. There is bittersweetness in thinking of what could have been, had we not been so young and immature. And of course, I wouldn't change a thing anyway because (as anyone who ever saw Peggy Sue Got Married knows) I wouldn't give up my children for the ability to make the past turn out (possibly/possibly not) happier in some way.

I suppose as my mind drifts back to a time so long ago, and I look at photos of myself from then and talk to someone who knew and cared about me at that time...well, I just feel so very far away from my heart. Bodeans wrote a painfully excellent song on this theme, Far, Far Away From My Heart:

Well the feeling's coming on again
Like a whisper that's knocking down a doorway
And everything it says I just believe
And I fear that I'm nothing and alone
So I pour another drink and take a hit
And I wonder where the smoke goes
And I'm feeling more and more like less and less
And it comes from so far down deep inside
But you can't get to it no matter what you try

And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart

It's just a voice that's bent on telling me I'm too good
And there really is a shortcut
And I've been through this so many nights before
That you'd think it would be easier by now
So I let the chemical reaction cloud over
The pain that keeps on hurting
As I slowly, but too slowly drift away
To a place where I know I don't have to think
God I hate myself all over so more I drink

And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart

And now I'm staring blankly at the TV
Holding this guitar for some comfort
But it's so hard to write a simple song
And try to turn this feeling into melody
So I put it down get on my knees
Close my eyes real tight now I'm praying
To anyone that maybe can hear me
Tell me everything will be ok
And I don't think I can make another day
And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart


I just don't know how my life came to this dark place, this confusion, this morass that I can't seem to extricate myself from. There is no solution. Every option is not a choice I want to make, and yet I have to choose something different than where I am at now. Oh, to be that innocent 15 year old girl again, so confident in true love, so sure of what I wanted, so optimistic about the future. I want to go home, back to Phoenix, and begin to put my life together, put myself back in that place where joy and optimism dwell. They say you can never go home; is this what they mean??? And if I can never go home, can home come back to me, back to my heart? Can I find my way back to my heart?

p.s.

I'm still not entirely sure how to describe myself. Confused? Check. Sporadically manic-depressive? Probably.

Oh, that reminds me, one of the goals of going to group therapy is that they (the group) are supposed to be able to help me figure out why I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Take advantage of me NOW. PLEASE!" I'm not sure if it's some kind of Harry Potter magic trick or what, but that is the golden promise and allure of going to group.

And speaking of Harry Potter...I was thinking the other day that if what's her name (my mind is going completely blank but you all know who I am talking about) could go from welfare mom to bazillion dollar author just by writing a bunch of big, long books about a teen-age boy and some magic, then maybe there is hope for me to turn my life around yet! ROWLING, that's it. J.K. Rowling. Though if I was going to write a book with some magic in it, you can bet the magic wouldn't be wasted on teenagers at Hogwart's or stupid witches and warlocks. B-O-R-I-N-G. If I created a magical kingdom, there would be magic housecleaning fairies and laundry goblins and pixie dust that turns into cash. The only problem with my magical kingdom is that it would be VERY sparsely populated because no fucking ignorant stupid people would be allowed. So that would leave about six people on the planet and no men, so there would have to be some kind of magical sex slave being for the six women in the magical kingdom. And since children are a pain most of the time, but sometimes very cute and life-enriching, there would be children allowed in my kingdom but they would not be able to yell, scream, talk back, or make messes due to the magical spell cast upon them at birth. (Also they self-clean and regenerate lost toys.)

Hmmmmm...maybe I am on to something here!

Yuppiehood and rambling...

My $95-an-hour (*note: one hour in English=45 minutes in therapish) therapist recommends that I start going to one of his new group meetings ($40 per meeting), along with meeting with a social worker in his office who specializes in spouses of men w/porn addiction (cha-ching!). I was driving to my appt. yesterday, through this crime-ridden neighborhood where the therapist's office is, and thinking what a freaking yuppie loser I have become. Only a self-absorbed yuppie dork would be spending so much time and money on such a self-absorbed pastime as personal mental health. Honestly, we are lucky in this country that all poor people do for the most part is drink, do drugs and kill each other, because I am assuming that they can't afford good psychiatry and their lives must be much more of a pain in the ass than mine is. How do they do it? How do they survive in the world of $6/hour jobs with no health insurance and childcare is $150 per week and gas is $3 per gallon...yeah all the math doesn't add up, that's for sure.

Regardless, it still sucks to be married to a porn junkie and it sucks to live in Kentucky and it sucks to be fat even when you don't really eat a lot. And it REALLY sucks to be doing yuppie stuff when you're not even really in that league financially and don't really put yourself there mentally. Is this what a mid-life crisis is all about? You wake up one day and realize that everything you ever thought you knew was a complete load of shit and you wasted 20 some-odd years of your life in a misguided trance headed nowhere? Is it ever too late to fix it all?

Hate

"He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me."
Those who think such things will not be free from hate.


-Buddha From "Sayings of the Buddha: Reflections for Every Day", by William Wray, 2004. Reprinted by arrangement with Arcturus Publishing, London. Book available in the U.S. through Barnes & Noble, www.bn.com


I need to keep reminding myself this! So many assholes in this world, so much anger, so much time suckage...

shrink

I had an appointment today with my first decent psychiatrist; as in $95 per hour, not covered by insurance, full-blown expensive decency. Things were going alright, he was giving me something called a clinical interview (I guess to determine all the juicy details of my past and what my personal inventory of mental issues might be), and then he asked me to describe myself. What? It felt like one of those sneaky job interview questions that you’re not quite prepared for, the crucial one that determines offer or no offer, the one where the interviewer gleefully looks into your eyes as if it was the most simple question in the world, but in your mind the question translates roughly as: If the square root of the hypotenuse coagulates at a 43 degree angle, will WMD appear in Iraq, cubed?

I faltered. My mind hazed over and I found myself muttering something lame about how I am outgoing, um something, something, something. Could you repeat the question? Describe myself in what way exactly; height, weight, eye color? No. He apparently sensed I was floundering and asked me if I like myself. Well, yeah, I suppose. And it occurred to me as I was driving home afterward that at the ripe old age of 37 I apparently haven’t got a clue how to describe myself. Which means, roughly, I don’t know who I am. I guess that also means there will be a lot more appointments to come, right? Gotta sort that kind of thing out in a hurry…

Happy New Year!

Wow, I finally made it to 2007! I thought I might have some profound thoughts about the matter, but I don't. 2006 was a long, difficult year. Good riddance. I am ready to move on, that's for sure.
I think I want to move past writing about addiction all the time. I thought starting this blog and venting about it would help but then I found that I don't enjoy focusing on it all the time in my writing. There is more to life than someone else's addiction, isn't there? I like seeing other blogs that people have done and enjoying their photos and positive thoughts. So I guess for 2007 I would like to focus on the more positive things in life.

Some resolutions:

Reduce intake of sugar and white flour (with goal of eliminating entirely)
Exercise regularly
Thwart negativity in action and in thought
More patience with the kids
Take better care of my health and well-being
Laugh more **MORE "JOYED"/LESS ANNOYED**
Catch up on my scrapbooking
Not fight with my mom so much, especially when I go to visit in June
Read more on Buddhism and Christianity
Spend less money and accrue less debt. MINDFUL shopping!!

I think that's good for now. Baby steps.