Gaslighting

OMG--this is my life!

"Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception.
A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc., such as was used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Holy shit, that explains my anxiety attacks for the past two years! I feel so much better now. I don't know why I never saw this before, in all the stuff I have read. My God, my hubby is the Master Gaslighter! WOW!

Choosing a Different Path

I can't remember where I found this originally--I want to say someone posted it to a group I belong to on Yahoo for partners of SA's, but I'm not 100% sure. In any case, I came across it today and decided to post it. It's a great poem!

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

*Note: I just looked up the poem on Google and it has been attributed to Portia Nelson. The original title was, "There's a hole in my sidewalk."

SA 12-Step Group

I was just reading back to some of my earlier posts from last Fall, where I was talking about hubby finally going to SA meetings and how I predicted they would not last. Well, lo and behold it did not last more than a few months! LOL! I noticed there was one post where I wrote that he said the group was helping him, which is cracking me up because now he says the group is useless ( I won't get into all his excuses/they don't matter anyway). I think I am going to work on keeping up this blog better. It will help me keep track of his lies and remind me why I need to get out of this situation whenever I am thinking it is no big deal and I can stick it out for longer. Ugh.

He was in sucking up mode 2 weeks ago until a coworker died suddenly in a car accident and he crashed and burned into full on Asshole Addict mode and has continued ever since. Lately he aims his agitation at my teen-age daughter, probably because he knows I just won't let him get away with it any more. He hurls F-words at her like nobody's business. Remind me again why I think this is good for my 4 yr. old and 1 yr. old????

On describing myself (reference 7/17/07 post)

I keep coming back to that dreaded "describe yourself" question from my therapist last month...it occurred to me what Buddha might say about describing myself. I'm going to take a stab at it:

Buddha would say that my "self" is just an illusion that I create. It is intangible, everchanging and ultimately undescribable.

HA! Take THAT Therapist Man!

And though I doubt that is the answer he was looking for, it is probably as true of an answer as there could ever be.

Mixed Emotions

My heart is heavy tonight. Today I made contact with my first true love via myspace. It was so, so, so long ago--we dated the summer before my junior year in high school. But he had such an impact on me. It was wonderful to chat with him, see a pic of his kids (his son looks just like him!), and I got that triumphant moment of glory every person hopes for sometime in life following a devastating break-up: he told me he regretted breaking up with me and how much he had enjoyed the time we spent together, though it was only a few months time over 20 years ago. But now, I am bummed. His marriage is falling apart, as is mine, and I feel sorry for us both. There is bittersweetness in thinking of what could have been, had we not been so young and immature. And of course, I wouldn't change a thing anyway because (as anyone who ever saw Peggy Sue Got Married knows) I wouldn't give up my children for the ability to make the past turn out (possibly/possibly not) happier in some way.

I suppose as my mind drifts back to a time so long ago, and I look at photos of myself from then and talk to someone who knew and cared about me at that time...well, I just feel so very far away from my heart. Bodeans wrote a painfully excellent song on this theme, Far, Far Away From My Heart:

Well the feeling's coming on again
Like a whisper that's knocking down a doorway
And everything it says I just believe
And I fear that I'm nothing and alone
So I pour another drink and take a hit
And I wonder where the smoke goes
And I'm feeling more and more like less and less
And it comes from so far down deep inside
But you can't get to it no matter what you try

And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart

It's just a voice that's bent on telling me I'm too good
And there really is a shortcut
And I've been through this so many nights before
That you'd think it would be easier by now
So I let the chemical reaction cloud over
The pain that keeps on hurting
As I slowly, but too slowly drift away
To a place where I know I don't have to think
God I hate myself all over so more I drink

And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart

And now I'm staring blankly at the TV
Holding this guitar for some comfort
But it's so hard to write a simple song
And try to turn this feeling into melody
So I put it down get on my knees
Close my eyes real tight now I'm praying
To anyone that maybe can hear me
Tell me everything will be ok
And I don't think I can make another day
And I'm far, far away from my heart
Far, far away from my heart


I just don't know how my life came to this dark place, this confusion, this morass that I can't seem to extricate myself from. There is no solution. Every option is not a choice I want to make, and yet I have to choose something different than where I am at now. Oh, to be that innocent 15 year old girl again, so confident in true love, so sure of what I wanted, so optimistic about the future. I want to go home, back to Phoenix, and begin to put my life together, put myself back in that place where joy and optimism dwell. They say you can never go home; is this what they mean??? And if I can never go home, can home come back to me, back to my heart? Can I find my way back to my heart?